im about as happy as oj after his trial
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
