can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just invented taco cereal.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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