The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
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if we break up, who will get the dealer?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
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I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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