So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize