When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
