my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I need a beard to bite.
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