Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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