Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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