Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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