The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
