Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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