If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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