Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
