If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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