cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just found puke in my bra..
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
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