Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
