im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
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Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
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You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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