...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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