oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I can't turn off my feet"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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