Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
