i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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