nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
