Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
