chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
