You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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