i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
