no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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