but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
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Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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