If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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