i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
