woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
