I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
