Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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