he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
