It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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