So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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