I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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