I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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