you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
