omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
