I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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