when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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