At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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