remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
