Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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