Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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