i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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