mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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