I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
