I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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