by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
