Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize