who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
