Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
