A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
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