He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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