I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
