Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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